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"I want this thing off my lawn."
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August 01 2008

Nathan vs. Nathan. One artist depiction of what would happen if Captain Hammer and Captain Malcolm Reynolds had it out.

[ edited by Cyantre on 2008-08-01 18:23 ]

I think Mal would just kick Hammer into an engine.
I agree completely.
Is Captain Hammer bulletproof?
I think Mal would punch him a few times and he'd crumple like wrapping paper on Christmas day.
I think Captain Hammer would take a look into Mal's eyes and then run away screaming.
Ha ha ha! I love the comments here so far--this made my morning (except that it's afternoon... eep!). Mal would totally kick Captain Hammer's ass! Yeah! So fun.
"I do not wear the field of cheese. The field of cheese wears me."
This one is also kind of relevant.
Hammer would never hurt Mal. He'd think Mal was too pretty.
I have to agree with Sly. He's just oh-so-pretty. Plus Mal would have Zoe/Jayne as backup.
I kind of think that Captain Hammer and Jayne would be good friends.
Tis true, his cheese is like a shield of steel. However Mal has an ability to cut the shit, maybe he could adapt that and so defeat Hammer ?

Yes, i'm saying Mal could beat Hammer simply by cutting cheese. Sp-chilli y'see, potent stuff.
I don't think these are drawn accurately. I know, not the point. Mal would totally kick CH's ass, but he wouldn't use those words. He's be all friendly-insulting-like.

And the Buffy vs. Batman one? Please. If she kicked Batman, he would move.
Captain Hammer has never felt pain at all before. So I would think he is bulletproof and also would do a lot of damage to the engine.

After the first bullet bounced, Mal would then have realized bullets and punching weren't going to work and had Jayne get Vera. Which wouldn't have worked either. But by that time, Inara, Zoe and Kaylee would have distracted Captain Hammer enough so that the crew could all get away with the loot.

[ edited by Anonymous1 on 2008-08-01 21:37 ]
Mal would most likely think that the Alliance had taken some of his DNA and made a super clone.
Sly,

Definitely a reason for Mal to shoot him.
Cut to:

Zoe: (Observing through field glasses from a ridge half a klic away) That isn't good.
Jayne: (After being passed said field glasses and having a look) Ya think he's some kinda evil clone of Mal or something?
Wash: (Over comm) Uh. Dearest Beloved Wife? Um. Why do I see two of our fearless captains down there?
Zoe: (To comm) You don't. Notice the gloves. The Captain wouldn't wear gloves like that.
Wash: I'm noticing those gloves have our tight-panted leader by the throat, Love-of-my-life.
Zoe: Jayne?
Jayne: (Un-slinging ordnance) I'm on it.
Zoe: Do be quick.

Captain Hammer: (Pauses with Mal held off the ground by throat in one hand, other fist pulled back to strike) ...It'd be a shame to ruin such a perfect likeness of me. You may be an evil copy made by my arch-foe Dr. Horrible, but other than being a bit wimpy, you're a fine-looking fella. (Takes deep breath, preparing to sing, music swells from nowhere)
Mal: Guhh fruh hurhh gink! (Unloads pistol into Hammer's groin)
Hammer: (Slightly aroused) Hey, now! (Tosses Mal twenty feet into nearby arroyo)

Zoe: Now!
Jayne: On it! (Fires very large weapon. Large shell impacts the ground between Hammer's feet.)

Hammer: (Looks down) Ha! You missed, evil-do-- (Shell explodes, launching Captain Hammer skyward where he is quickly caught on the nose of Inara's shuttle, which does a full burn to trans-atmo in less than 12 seconds, then reverses thrust, leaving Hammer streaking out of the planet's gravity well, flailing as he goes.)

Kaylee: (Helping Mal up from the arroyo) You okay, Cap'n?
Mal: (Coughing) I like to will be. (Gasps)
Simon: (From other side of Mal) I wonder what he was.
Kaylee: Some kind of Feddy Super-clone?
Mal: Don't rightly care. We won. (Pauses) Where was that music coming from?

Damnit, Lucas, Mal shot first!

Wait, what were we talking about again?

ETA: whee, whedonesque cross-over fanfiction! Thanks for that :).

[ edited by GVH on 2008-08-01 23:40 ]
Aw, maybe Billy develops a crush on Kaylee now.
Hey, I like Kaylee being, y'know, alive and all ;).

But yeah, I'd guess she's his type (because as far as I can tell, the man did have eyes ;))
Big! Damn! Funny!
Hey, I like Kaylee being, y'know, alive and all ;).

*spits out Pop Tart*

Hey! Cheap shot on my Billy! Yet, valid.

Thanks, Grotesk! That was super!
Wait, YoSaffBridge.
"I do not wear the field of cheese. The field of cheese wears me."

I know this was way up there but I just came in here... you did not just say this you magnificent bastard!

:D
Thank you, korkster, for a second here and there I thought I was the only one who had developed a crush on Billy. From the very first awkward "AhhhhhhHHHhhhh!" in the alleyway, he had me.
Oh, I love you all. This is why I love whedonesque.
While Hammer might be stronger, I think he will be helpless in front of Mal 'cause he'd be too busy wondering who had the better hair ;)
CaffeinatedSquint, for me, it was when he uttered "poseur in a parka"... followed by his lack to form words right before "Freeze Ray".

*heart melts* *slurp up with straw*

Hey, speaking of CH vs. CR, is anyone going to draw the comic with them kissing so the universe can implode/explode? Like Joss had alluded to earlier? I wanna see that. Particularly because I like chaos. :)
Can we not destroy the universe this weekend please ? I just bought some new bits for my computer after 4 years of no upgrades, wouldn't mind at least getting them out of the boxes. Monday morning's fine though, have at it then.

And nice one Grotesk ;).

(since we don't see Hammer die, it's totally open for a sequel)
Ah, Saje, I'm all ready for mass destruction now. What am I supposed to do while you unpack your boxes? Twiddle my thumbs? Follow every thread on Whedonesque? Become addicted to Twitter? I was looking for something fresh to do this weekend. :)
Unboxed 'em only to discover there's a bit missing without which the whole thing won't work. Grr. So if you want to squeeze in a quick apocalypse now, go for it. So long as it's over by about lunchtime tomorrow, when i'll have hopefully acquired said bit then everyone's a winner ;).
Yeah I'm the one who requested the Buffy vs. Batman... not exactly what I had in mind, but funny none the less.

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