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May 14 2012

(SPOILER) The Cabin In The Woods: The Abridged Script. The Editing Room is a site that features fake, parody scripts for movies, often written by fans of said works. Sometimes not (the author for this one gives the film 4 stars). Contains adult language.

An excerpt: 'They run into AMY ACKER, CHIEF OF EXPOSITORY SCIENCES.'

There's also one for Serenity...at the bottom, of the page, if you want, I guess. (Translation: Meh.) :)

Judging by how harsh and sarcastic this writing is, I'm surprised the author gave CitW 4 stars...
That just tends to be the sense of humor of most of these scripts. Trust me, when an author doesn't like the film they're lampooning, there is a noticeable difference. :)
Well everything he said it pretty much true. He clearly also knows his Joss Whedon stuff.
OMG I'd forgotten about The Editing Room! There goes my productivity.

BTW This is just the style of TER. Even movies they really like still get the full sarcastic treatment.

Meh! It's not written by Rod. His scripts are far and away the best.

[ edited by bivith on 2012-05-14 09:50 ]
I found it funny! And yes, being overly nitpicky is the whole point - it is not meant to cause serious offense.

Speaking of the script, did anyone else expect the film to end with the Gods coming out to say, "This was the best massacre EVER. We are more than appeased... for now"? 'Cause I sure did. It would have removed the moral ambivalence nicely. And opened up the situation to a sequel.
I do have a story nitpick... the kids aren't archetypes at the beginning. They turn into them.
This one did feel a bit *too* harshly written and off in tone. More about pulling the film apart than straight up parody. The little factual issues pointing out plot or "sense" issues that... aren't, and are covered by the film. Making up issues isn't good parody technique really.
It's just TER's style.
There wasn't much warmth in this. I like affectionate mickey-taking, but I didn't really detect that here. Probably why I prefer SFX's abridged scripts.
I don't think I understand the appeal of the site, actually. If you pull apart every film - what is the point of the stories existing? I think I understand mocking things if you don't like them, but mocking them harshly if you do makes little sense. It's also different to something like Rifftrax. Hmm.
I think you mean Total Film Simon. But their abridged scripts are reprinted from The Editing Room.

This Cabin writer is not the main site writer Rod Hilton. Rod's scripts are much better than the other contributors.

The point of the site is humour. It's like TV Tropes but mega sarcastic.
The bit I laughed most at was 'draco dormiens nunquam titillandus.' Because it's a perfect reference for that point, and also because randomly cross-breeding fandoms entertains me.
@darling: If they show an Elder god sharing a joint with Marty while saying that, I think you have something.

I remember way way back, Marvel Comics used to have a "No-Prize", which was an acknowledgement that the writer missed a plot hole, but encouraged the readers to think if there is a way in continuity to pave over the plot hole. It also was a lot of fun to shoot down the occasional person being a donkey about a trivial point... I bring this up, because a lot of times complaints about a script annoy me, because the nitpicks are usually claiming the "obvious" is the only possible solution.

Nitpicks with the abridge script:
- Having Josh (Joss?) Lymon show up halfway through would be a surprise. Then haters would be griping about the "twist" in the movie. This movie was organized so that every event is set-up in advance, then payed off, not to have the Dramatic Twist That Changes Everything (But Makes No Sense).
- As other people pointed out, they aren't the archetypes. Square peg, round hole... with this organization being the dim-witted child with the rubber mallet.
- They aren't "real" college kids (whatever that means)? Having four people who were exactly average would also be completely unrealistic. Maybe things turned out pear-shaped in the movie *precisely* because these four were exceptional, rather than average.
- The "purge" button... Is it really so hard to understand why they might have one? What are the odds that there is another button on that console labeled "incinerate hallway with sub-atomic particle plasma", which would normally be pushed just after the purge (but wasn't) ?

These sort of articles should start with the typical "we never see them go to the bathroom, therefore I conclude that they never did." (Except for Marty, and he only did it once.)
That was really fantastic.

Yes, it's completely incomprehensible that there would be a purge button. If they needed to destroy all the monsters quickly, surely there is no rational reason why that would be safer, faster, or more effective to do in an open corridor with multiple points of access than it would be in the "sitting duck" environs of their cubes.

Gozer appearance was epic.
It honestly only takes one idiot to feel like there needs to be a purge button to put a button in. Haven't you ever been in a building where someone decided to do something that made no sense to you but that they probably thought was needed for a reason?
I'd love to have seen the risk assessment for that button. Consequence: everyone dies. Mitigation: ...everyone dies?
CITW was fantastic, but this was hilarious. Everyone is getting too worked up over a joke.


And, while I love the movie, you can't defend the Purge button. Maybe that it exists because of some reason, but that its a giant red button in the middle next to the elevators, that says PURGE, and requires no password locks or keys? It's a funny plot device to make hell break loose, but you can't defend it.
Depends on what you mean by "defend" - defend the sacrifice people for putting the button in, or defend Joss and Drew for writing it in? If it's the former, then probably not. But if it's the latter - I totally stand by it because it's brilliant. :)

But who knows, OneTeV could be right. Somebody must ask Joss what the other buttons were.
Can't really defend either all that well -- the best defense of putting it in there is because the plot of the movie can withstand something so completely ridiculous, but it would have been nice to give the button a sort of "does Curt even have a cousin?" moment of attention. But it's still a waaaaaaaay convenient short cut. The sight of it got laughs in my theater, of the "wow, really?" variety.
I think the button was there exactly for that reason though. The Deus Ex Machina that tends to show up in horror movies even though there's no apparent reason for its existence. The same way people obviously get murdered in one scene, only for them to reappear a few minutes later, alive and well, to save the day (think Sidney in Scream 3).

[ edited by Mitholas on 2012-05-14 16:18 ]
@KoC: What would be the cost efficiency of having hundreds of plasma weapons, one for each cube, when you can have just one big one set up outside the elevators? Bean-counters run organizations, not safety officers.

I agree it would make more sense not to have one, but not that it makes no sense to have one.
Reasons to have a purge button...
- Remember at start of "Jurassic Park"? If they needed to move everything to another facility (due to earthquake, or government oversight committee visit), put cargo containers outside the elevators and ship-em out.
- During the slaughter, there was some mention about "why aren't the countermeasures working", which was presumably due to Marty's tinkering. It could be that all safeguards involving "purge" were bypassed. (Which would imply shoddy planning, but again, cost-cutting bean counters.)
- The facility was originally built for human prisoners (and retrofitted for monsters). Every movie prison has a big red button that opens all the cell doors, and this one is no exception.
- Upper management wanted a way to empty the cells in a hurry (flame-throwers, etc.), and someone in middle management mis-interpreted the memo.
- Walter Peck shows up. Rather than shutting down the containment grid, they compromise and put in a "purge" button in case of environmental risk to the water table.
Tend to Mitholas' interpretation on that one. I mean a horror movie about horror movie tropes, magic and monsters and gods, and that is really going to be singled out as "unrealistic"? It was a nice bit of ridiculousness in a movie partly about the ridiculousness of such things in such movies.
I think you mean Total Film Simon. But their abridged scripts are reprinted from The Editing Room.


No I meant SFX. Their website does abridged scripts from time to time.
That is REALLY funny. I'm only two scenes down, and I'm LOLing like crazy. Just that first line from Whitford about being Josh Lyman and wanting to appear before Thor... this is so clever.

And yes, Jesse Williams played the scholar, whose two scholastic moments came in the form of translating the latin and determining the differential on the other end of the bike jump. Aside from that, he's a stunningly hot football player with a six-pack. It's funny 'cause I have the visual companion, and the drawings of his character are a little lankier with glasses, which is what I would've pictured. But Williams was really good, so no complaints on the casting.
"You like pain? Um…try wearing a corset?"

THAT'S WHAT I WAS THINKING. That quote has etched into movie audience memory ever since Pirates became a thing.
Also... the Zombie Redneck Torture Dad was not the last one attacking Dana. I thought that was him, 'cause he was the biggest and baddest, but apparently that one was Matthew (who, if you listen to Anna Patience's diary carefully, is the pain-worshippiest of the fam). He's just freakishly larger in stature than his parents and siblings.

One thing that the movie didn't address was the failure of Marty's weed to do its job and zonk him out. Amy Acker said they "treated the shit out of it", yet he was, unlike his friends, immune to the chemicals of the cabin and more conscientious of what was happening, which gave him the advantage necessary to survive. The visual companion showed dialogue that had been cut, wherein you learn that Marty was smoking from his "secret secret stash" of weed, which the government hadn't even found. Which explains it.

[ edited by WhatsAStevedore on 2012-05-14 18:45 ]
@WhatsAStevedore: Are you sure about the dialog? I seem to remember Acker's character mentioning that they laced his weed, but that Marty was using other stuff as well (which interfered with their control drugs). I could be remembering wrong, I suppose...
Gotta say...I feel that the film explains a lot of this Abridged Script's nitpicks away. I also didn't enjoy it that much, despite usually liking this site. Oh well...
Cleolinda Jones has some pretty great parodies in this vein: movies in fifteen minutes. Though her latest are on an easy target, particularly since cleolinda has been at the forefront of biting Twilight satire ever since the books came out.
@OneTeV

If I'm remembering correctly, in the scene where Jenkins and Whitford are all, "why isn't he drooling all over himself", Amy Acker says over the monitors, "we treated the shit out of it!" and then later, while everything is going to shit, she comes into the control room and tells Whitford that the Chem Dept finally learned that whatever he'd been smoking was immunizing him to all their shit, and then Whitford's all "and how does this information help us right now?" It explains that he was treated, it did fail, and that he had inadvertently immunized himself to every other chemical pumped into the air. They don't distinguish between the pot they treated for Marty and "whatever he's been smoking", so in the midst of the movie (and with the lack of understanding that it was a private stash), I assumed their treatment had failed.

Which would make the beginning of the movie hilarious. It was the Chem Department's fault in '98, and now they stepped in it again.
She mentioned that he had another stash that they didn't know about that didn't get treated.

In the screenplay there's an early line where Marty mentions a "super secret stash that my other secret stash doesn't know about" or something like that, that didn't make it into the movie.
I haven't read any screenplays, but I thought I remembered a weird, paranoid rambling about a secret stash that his other stash doesn't know about…Maybe when they were on the road and he was rolling joints…
@WhatsAStevedore Oh, that's hilarious. The second time I watched it, the beginning of the film actually made me sad (knowing the world's going to end and they're busy baby-proofing everything) but now it'll make me laugh even harder.
Weed -> Marty's Immunization -> Failed Ritual Sacrifice -> End of the world.

Conclusion: Drugs are bad.

Counterhypothesis: The world is bad. Drugs are illuminating.
That was very funny, and I always enjoy funny (it doesn't make CitW any less cool when they make fun of it. Did you read the 'script' for Serenity? hilarious). I hope they do one for Avengers!

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