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Whedonesque - a community weblog about Joss Whedon
"I am Loki of Asgard. And I am burdened with glorious purpose."
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June 22 2013

These are our favourite Whedonverse quotes, what are yours? Here's the full list of the quotes that appear on the top right hand corner of every page at Which ones would you like to see added to the list?

And if you've come across any good quotes from Joss and cast interviews, please do include them. And if any of the quotes currently on the list are incorrect, let us know.

One of my all-time favorite quotes (which I don't see listed) comes from Spike:

This next one's called...the Wanton Folly Of Me Mum!

A quick Google search has informed me that fans have written their own versions of The Wanton Folly Of Me Mum. I <3 Whedonfolk.
"Puny gods."

"They got the mustard ooouuuut!"

"I'm drawing a line in the sand. Do not read the Latin!"
"Kill Claudio"

On the basis that we ought to acknowledge this wonderful film at least once.
"God's gift to the bell curve. What he lacks in smarts, he makes up in lack of smarts."
"Fire bad, tree pretty."

"If the apocalypse comes, beep me."

"She understands, she doesn't comprehend."

"Remember to always be yourself...unless you suck."

The last one was my yearbook quote.

ETA: I just keep thinking of more.

[ edited by AliciaJo on 2013-06-23 02:10 ]
"Don't warn the tadpoles!" - Willow
"I'm drowning in footwear! ...Weird dream." - Spike
"Well, when Joss calls I just pick up the phone and say, 'Yes.'" (Amy Acker on working with Joss)
"I try to be my best."

"I know what I know."

"Did I miss anything?" "Just the vodka, thank God."

"You're human." "Don't flatter yourself."

And an answer from a Guardian Q&A a while back:
"Dog: need need, poop, chew, need, lick, need. Cat: whatev. Meow, yo. Here's a mouse."

And this isn't about quotes, but is Much Ado going to get representation in the pictures at the top? I know it's not my place to say, but Amy Acker's been in so much that it surprises me she's not there.
"I'm never gonna see a merman"...hopefully Joss wrote this part of The Cabin in the Woods
impalergeneral - just fyi that quote is already on the list.
"Wait, Ben is with Glory?"

"Who put that creepy thing in my yard, was it Willow while I was dead? Because if I'd known, I would have crawled out of the grave sooner!"

"Can I be blind too?"
Do they make an ointment for that?

Respect the cruller. And tame the donut!
"The annoying virgin has a point."
"Puny god."

"Where's the creep that turned me into a spider-eating man bitch?!"

"Another sign of your tragic space dementia - all paranoid and crotchety."

"I know how you wanted this evening to go. Trust me - this is better."

"...he will also answer to 'Honeytoes'."

"Except for the PopeCar. I lied about that."

" that's what it does."

"I was having twelve percent of a moment."

"Would you like me to lie to you now?"

"And Hulk? Smash."

"You buy this ship, treat her proper, she'll be with you for the rest of your life."

"Well then, son... You've got a condition."

"What's a 'Rogue Demon'?"

"There's only one God, ma'am. And I'm pretty sure he doesn't dress like that."

"The hell with this! I'm gonna live!"

"Until such time as the world ends, we will act as though it intends to spin on."

"I thought I was going to faint while barfing."

"You say 'Peace', but I kinda think you mean the other thing."

"Let me guess... evil?"

"I recognize the Council has made a decision, but given that it's a stupid ass decision, I've elected to ignore it."

"This is the crack team that foils my every plan? I am deeply shamed."

"I... I don't see how that's a party."

"I don't think it knows about money; I think it's barter gas."

"Well, let me know if 'real power' wants a magazine or something."

"Good to know you've seen the softer side of Sears...."

"The world is doomed."

"I'm finished being everybody's butt-monkey!"

"'Day' is a vestigial mode of time-measurement based on solar cycles - it's not applicable. I didn't get you anything."
"But, masters, remember that I am an ass; though it be not written down, yet forget not that I am an ass."

"Art isn't your pet -- it's your kid. It grows up and talks back to you."
From Joss' Reddit AMA.

Also, I'd like to point at that some quotations appear twice in the list:
"May have been the losing side. Still not convinced it was the wrong one."
"Do not fear me. Ours is a peaceful race, and we must live in harmony…"
"I sang some things I didn't mean, I think this commentary's keen."

(from Joss' live performance of "Heart, Broken", on This American Life)

Cabin in the Woods:
"You will come to see things my way."

"Was that the point of all this? A statement?"
"...a Promise."

(you could take just the first part if it needs to be a single-person quote, but it's better with the response)

"Dollhouse. Doll-frickin-house. Keep saying it, it's fun to say it.
Dollhouse, Dollhouse, Dollhouse, Dollhouse..."

Jane Espenson interview:
"I specialized in metaphor, which is about how language reveals the structure of how we conceptualize the world."

Joss' Change speech (Equality Now event)
"If we look beyond, if we dream the next text, it will be written.
We do not pass through this life, it passes through us.
You are not just existing, you are happening, you are an event.
You are changing, Everything.
..and that may seem like a bit of a responsibility."
Astonishing X-men
"You keep waiting for the dust to settle and then you realize this is it:
The dust is your life going on."

"All blanket statements are idiotic."
Any love for "Your Shirt"?

But seriously I do like
"Why aren't you awesomed by me?"
from Runaways.

Oh, and
"I need someone to hate me. Professionally."
From Astonishing X-men.
I do NOT have puppet cancer!
"He's a bloody puppet"
"Right you are Mr Captain TightPants"
"I can't believe that you of all people are trying to Scully me."
"Welcome to level 7!"
"We have a hulk!"
"Um.. I have a really BAD idea.."


"Earth... What a sh*t-hole! ..."

I like that phrase, if only because most sci-fi films are about saving Earth for one reason or another ... That said, Mods can obviously remove this post if required because of "content/language" .. or more importantly, remove it because the phrase is from a Joss screenplay of a film in which-should-never-be-mentioned-in-his-company.. :)


[ edited by MeyrinkM on 2013-06-24 00:44 ]
It's quite a delight just to read through all of the proffered quotes. I am howling over some of these.


"Oh, balls! You didn't say he was a Glargabullgashmanick!"
Smells like cumin.
A few of my favorites not listed -

I'm guessing on how you say it. It's got an apostrophe. I think it's MmmFashnik. Like "Mmm... cookies!".

Cordelia: Do guns make you wanna have sex?
Xander: I'm 17, linoleum makes me wanna have sex.

Spike: Found Ben's room at Glory's. Didn't learn much.
Xander: Wait, wait, wait. Ben? At Glory's? You're saying all this time he's been subletting from her?
It's always going to be "Shiny. Let's be bad guys" for me. You have to say Shiny first. And then unzip your jacket in a very manly way. Love that scene.
That is such an amazing list of quotes. And what does it say about the quality and cleverness of Joss and his showrunners and writing staffs that we can still find many more? (Skreechowl alone... very nice list.)(And these following are just some of those I thought of; there are others I'd suggest but I'd have to double-check my recollections.)

"Me? Me not weird."

"I am so large with not knowing."

"How ya doin'?" "Only hurts when I... answer pointless questions."

"Like this. Thanks." "Here to help. Want to live."

"I mean, I can beat up the demons till the cows come home... and then, I can beat up the cows...."

Oh, a big one:

"If... nothing we do matters... then all that matters is what we do."

[ edited by LKW on 2013-06-23 18:51 ]

- It doesn't make any sense! Especially from a time management standpoint.
- Let me answer that question with a head butt.
- That probably would have sounded more commanding if I wasn't wearing my yummy sushi pyjamas.
- My hat has a cow.

- If you only had two a year that's still like 400 dates with 400 different... why do they call it a mace?
- Do you see my resolve face? You've seen it before, you know what it means.
- Occasionally, I'm callous and strange.
- And remember, if you hurt her I will beat you to death with a shovel. A vague disclaimer is nobody's friend.
- C'mon, everybody loves foetal pigs.

- Oh God no. Please, no.

- She seems like a good leader. Her hair is shiny. Does she make you stab things?
- Nobody was immune to her trail of destruction: not friends, not family, not even the most pacifist and logical of races.
- I'm bored. Episode One bored.

- That's because you're a part of something larger. Like being swallowed! By something larger.
“They weren’t cows inside. They were waiting to be, but they forgot. Now they see the sky and they remember what they are.”

“Just get us on the ground!”
“That part'll happen, pretty definitely.”

“Well, what you plan and what takes place ain't ever exactly been similar.”
Joss: "You are all going to die"

"Well they tell you 'never hit a man with a closed fist' but it is, on occasion, hilarious"

[ edited by Shep on 2013-06-23 20:46 ]
I have a few suggestions for Buffy additions. Just a few....

"Can you vague that up for me?" :-)

"I wear the cheese; it does not wear me."

"I call that a radical interpretation of the text."

"What can I say? I flunked the written."

"I believe the subtext here is rapidly becoming, uh, text."

"Oh, I know this ritual! The ancient shamans were next called upon to do the hokey-pokey and turn themselves around."

"It's a magic gourd."

"I hope it's a funny aneurysm."

"I'm telling you, having a secret identity in this town is a job of work."

"This is Gidget hair. Don't they teach you anything in history?"

"If every vampire who said he was at the crucifixion actually was there, it would've been like Woodstock."

"All monkeys are French. You didn't know that?"

"I didn't jump. I took a tiny step, and there conclusions were."

"Uh, if I may suggest, "This time it's personal." I mean, there's a reason why it's a classic."

"They should film that story and show it every Christmas."

"Hey, I may be a cold-blooded jelly doughnut, but my timing is impeccable."

"Thanks for Dadaist pep talk. I feel much more abstract now."

"Nobody deserves a mime, Buffy."

"A vague disclaimer is nobody's friend."

"Maybe it's the syphilis talking, but... some of that made sense."

"Nowadays every girl with a henna tattoo and a spice rack thinks she's a sister to the dark ones."

"That probably would've sounded more commanding if I wasn't wearing my yummy sushi pajamas."

"Ah, no. I am no Alfred, sir. No, you forget. Alfred had a job."

"Because it's a killer snot monster from outer space.... I did not just say that."

"Glory is evil. And powerful. And in no way prettier than me."

"If you want her to be exactly she'll never be exactly I know the only really real Buffy is really Buffy and she's gone who?"

"I think I actually heard him clean his glasses."

"It's not like it's the end of the world... which is too bad, you know, 'cause that, I'm really good at."

"Well, I know I'm back in America now. I've been knocked unconscious."

"A vampire with a soul? Oh, my God! How lame is that?"

"We're your"

"Peachy with a side of keen, that would be me."

"It's smellementary."

"Buffy, I'm here to kill you, not to judge you."

"I'm bored. Episode I bored."

"Now wait a minute—you think I'm evil... if I bring a group of girls on a camping trip and don't touch them?"

"I don't want to be this good-looking and athletic. We all have crosses to bear."

"So it's true. Scythe matters."

"We destroyed the mall? I fought on the wrong side."

"So, Dawn's in trouble... must be Tuesday."

And, of course: "The world is doomed."
Citations could go on for pages and pages ... and really fill books (and scripts) ;-)
I second the Runaways quote, we can't live without that one.

Below are Joss quotes from interviews over the years (I don't have the sources offhand, but I could look them up I suppose; many of them are from the last 3 years). note that he has said some of these things in more than one interview (with slightly different wordings).

"I think the people who don't get me just haven't gotten to know me."

"I hate giving up part of my life to sleep when there is so much fun to have, so much art to make."

"I am not, in any way, a visionary."

"I think a lot of the things we take for granted as necessarily noble, like love, are often very selfish and manipulated and socialized, and not at all what we've been lead to believe they are."

"The human brain is the most surreal landscape I've ever walked through."

"I knew exactly who I was when things were exactly as I understood them, and now they're not. So who am I this time?"

"First we have to establish a reality before we destroy it."

"It started with cave people around a campfire saying,
That wooly mammoth was enormous, you should have been there!
For me, that’s all that matters."

"I like to think that adding Y's to words that don't usually have Y's is going to destroy the whole fabric of our society."

"I hate people. I want them to suffer and die, and I'd like to think that's reflected in my work."

"I think the world is largely awful, and getting worse, and eventually the human race will die out. And it’ll be our own fault."

"I want to make the kind of movie that inspires people to say, ‘There should be more movies with Super Heroes in them.’ ”

"Nerds, we love what we love with a passion and sometimes it’s an angry passion, and to see that all sort of bleed out and everybody just connect, like 'Your passion, my passion, equally valid. Let’s party.' To me, that kind of connection, that’s what I want in my work, that’s what I want in my life."

"I smiled so hard I broke my face. Literally my lip just split.  I was happy but maybe not hydrated."

"That moment, where you stand up and say, 'I have the right to exist.'
I've written it a lot of times, and I never get tired of writing it.
And if I could just believe it about myself, I think I could stop writing it."

"Objectification and identification are at war, but they’re at war in the way that people are, that narrative is, that creates art and humanity and life. "

"You’re going to bring your obsession to whatever it is. But are you really looking at what they’re doing through the lens of your obsession, or are you trying to fit something into your agenda? Obsession and agenda not the same."

"I missed my friends and I missed my home, so I decided to throw them all on camera which is the only way I seem to know to relate to people."

"At some point social interaction starts to freak me out."

"My interpretation of this play is based on the fact that I’m wildly cynical and sort of pathetically romantic at the same time."

 “I don’t take any project for which I have no passion.  Why would you do that?” 

"I fell in love with Television because it's about words, and apparently I never shut up."

"I really didn’t understand for a long time that my entire career has been a 20-year cry for help. The only person I was trying to help through a dark time and empower was me, and that person who’s shaking and crying at me is basically me."
a few I haven't seen listed yet:

"Make a choice. Are you ready to be strong?" (how is this one not in yet? Did I miss it?)

"Buffy Summers?"
"Buffy Summers is dead."

"How does Fury see these?"
"He turns."
"Sounds exhausting."

"You know, I think we were having a moment."
"I think I was having 12 % of a moment."

"The captain will come up with a plan."
"That's good, right?"
"Possibly you're not recalling some of his previous plans."

"Hi, I wonder if you could help me with this ticket. It was totally bogus, it was a one way street, I was going one way..."
Shepard book talking about the bible:
"It's a little fuzzy on kneecaps.
Magic! Now! Come On! Somebody do some magic...
"You think I'm pretty?"
"I know how you wanted this night to go. This is better."
"That's my secret, Cap. I'm always angry."
"That's clearly a wolf."
"We are not who we are."
"Tequila is my lady, my lady..."
"What if I just want someone to pretend they're in love with me?"
"It means somebody really wanted our initials to spell out 'Shield.'"
"Faster ..FASTER! ..Faster would be better!!"
I miss one of my favourite (funny) quotes from Buffy:

"Time. Time is what turns kittens into cats." - the loan shark
While looking for this Season 8 one -

"Dawn... you really don't know how awesome you look?"

I also came across this other Joss-himself-scripted bit:

"What's your deal, anyway? With the fire and the branches and the sword -- did you get caught in a legend blender?"

Also, on the subject of corrections: while " We’re in space shepherd. Its always the middle of the night. " does make me smile when I see it, as it sounds like they're either in some weird spaceship or an odd, gigantic being, there's a couple of typos and problems there.

"We're in space, Shepherd. It's always the middle of the night."

would seem to be the way to go (including matching how the show/scripts use Book's title/nickname.)

[ edited by LKW on 2013-06-26 08:03 ]
From Joss' speech during the Writers' Strike

"When I get my dragon!"

This sentence, as part of that speech, really speaks of a passion for fairness that just resonates really strongly with me.
So many amazing quotes. I agree with cleveland: Citations could go on for pages and pages ... and really fill books (and scripts) ;-)

Anyway, here are some things Joss said on the internet, a bunch of great cabin lines, and a couple from toy story.

I need a hug Sorry. I got emotional and didn't finish. I need a huge line of blow.

"Filmmaking is like WAR." -Every Director Ever. "Nice try." -Any Actual Soldier

Cabin (mostly Marty... let's be honest)

And you have no pants.

People in this town drive in a very counter intuitive manner. That's what I have to say

Statistical fact, cops will never pull a real man with a huge bong in his car. Why? They fear this man, they know he sees further than they and will bind them with ancient logics.

What? A giant bong in your father's van? What, are you stoned?

Well, good luck with your business, sir. I know the railroad's coming through here any day now. That's gonna be big! Streets paved with actual street!

Curt: The wind must have blown it open.
Marty: Uh...that makes what kind of sense?

Sitterson: Well, they may be zombified, pain worshiping, backwards idiots.
Hadley: But they're our zombified, pain worshiping, backwards idiots.

Nemo, man. You gotta wake up! This shit is topsy turvy.

He's got a husband bulge.

Curt: This isn't right, we should split up. We can cover more ground that way.
Holden: Yeah. Yeah, good idea.
Marty: Really?!

Oh, my God! I'm on a reality TV show! My parents are gonna think I'm such a burnout.

Hadley: Oh, these fucking zombies! Remember when you could just throw a girl in a volcano?
Sitterson: How old do you think I am?

They're celebrating, I'm drinking.

Army of nightmares, huh? Let's get this party started.


Captain America IS Captain Hammer. DON'T TELL CHRIS EVANS.

I do like a reward for writing -- cup of tea, glass of wine, meth-fueled crime spree...

I actually find it refreshing... delightful.... vaguely arousing....

I don't allow funny stories on set. They waste time. Time that could be spent in the writer's room, wasting time.

I have many dream projects. But all the money in the world means just one thing: spaceships. Spaceships in trouble.

You love stupid people.

Toy Story:

Buzz: Sheriff, this is no time to panic.
Woody: This is a perfect time to panic!

I don't believe that man's ever been to medical school

You are a sad, strange little man, and you have my pity

What if Andy gets another dinosaur? A mean one? I just don't think I can take that kind of rejection
If we're counting Much Ado, I'd love to see "We are the only love gods", Reed Diamond knocked my socks off (ok, they all did)
Surprised to not see this one.

"Sex with robots is more common than most people think."
I think her bad guys are badder than my bad guys.
Heres another one.

"Why don't you just masturbate like the rest of us?"
"Wesley Wyndam-Pryce, rogue demon hunter, and I'm here to fight you, sir, to the death. Preferably yours."

Two I often use in public:
"Sometimes I shouldn't use words."
"Our lives are different than other people's"

"You never will."

"Okay, raise your hand if eeeeeww."

"Anyone else in the room just go to a scary visual place?"

"Xander, I am not sleeping with Spike! But I'm starting to think you might be!"

"I think I speak for us all when I say 'huh?' "

"It's on every Blackberry in the building. No secrets in the house of pain."

" - and I can't keep this up cos your face is gonna make me weep, Wes, I am so messing with you."

"Stop calling me pastries!"

" - and what do I get? Bloody well toasted and ghosted is what I get - "

"Would you like me to lie to you now?"

"I am, you know.

"Close your eyes."
forgot some

"With the rising music and the and what was that?"

"I follow my blood, which does not always rush in the direction of my head."

"Xander, please don't be suggesting what I'd have to kill you for suggesting."

"Looks like you won't be killing anything tonight.
Don't be so sure..."

"Absent male role model my arse, I'm twice the man she is."

"It's throwing the worlds out of balance and that's beyond chaos, mate. We're headed, quite literally, for one hell of a fight."

"We've changed. Well, you haven't, you're still self-centred and sadistic.
Here's to me!"
"People love a happy ending. So every episode, I will explain once again that I don't like people. And then Mal will shoot someone. Someone we like. And their puppy."

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