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Whedonesque - a community weblog about Joss Whedon
"Sir, I think you have a problem with your brain being missing."
11978 members | you are not logged in | 21 January 2019


February 14 2006

This explains Joss perfectly. Finally, a site that SAYS something.

Abusing links is the only way I know how to live. But I am here with a purpose, my friends. Call me joss Whedon: Rumor Crusher! (Or "Mister Fendendo", if we're being intimate.)

Since everyone's all abuzz with the CW rumor, I have to get all official and say: WE'VE STARTED FILMING NEW EPISODES! Of Dateline. I'm such a troll.

No, there haven't been any overtures from the CW as regards a SereniFly spin-off. I haven't even heard the orchestra tuning up. But if they happen to come calling, I do know what I would do:

1) In order to keep the show cost efficient, we would get rid of a few things we don't need, like spaceships, floors, and Jewel. (You thought I was gonna say 'costumes', didn't you? Porn guy.)

2) Nathan is busy making movies, but since I don't want new cast members, everybody in the cast would just move over one. Jewel (she's back!) would play Mal, Ron would play Kaylee, Morena would play Book, and so on.

3) People love a happy ending. So every episode, I will explain once again that I don't like people. And then Mal will shoot someone. Someone we like. And their puppy.

4) The actors can make up their dialogue. I'm bushed, and they're all funny, and the hell with it. Maybe I'll give them a premise to work off of, like "You're all in trouble" or "Wash has a thing". They could maybe light it too.

5) Klingons, but not alien Klingons. But still Klingons.

So already the show is running like a well oiled companion. I'm just proud to be a part of the Country Western network, and I know this will be their biggest hit since "Have Space-Gun, Will Travel."

I hope, as always, this clears things up. And I hope the executives at the Carnie Wilson network DO give me a call. I've got a million ideas for redoing their offices.

Power to the people who are powerful enough to crush the other people! -jossy.

Jossss stop procrastinating and finish your script!
Oh no! Don't shoot the puppy!
I thought it was Completely Whedon! Ok, I did think Country Western when I heard it but I prefer Completely Whedon.
And who is talking porn Mr. "Well oiled companion" Whedon ?

[ edited by Lioness on 2006-02-15 05:27 ]
Now what was Joss saying about "Firefly"?

Sorry. I got distracted playing "Population: Tire."
I got distracted thinking about a well-oiled Companion.
I vote for a 'Completely Whedon' channel as well. Remember, it's not HBO, it's Completely Whedon.
Thanks for clearing things up Joss! Personally, I find the idea of Ron playing Kaylee extremely amusing - you should do that ;)
Hee! At the risk of lese majesty, Joss, you are having exactly the same kind of writing evening that I am having. Except I have to write about Judeo-Christian historian Josephus. No spaceships, no companions that I can prove. Although he was a crafty bastard!

Now, go back to work. We minions have to have something to wait for.
Well, boohoo about Serenity/Firefly.

I just have one word to say to you: Spikemovie.
Joss, do you need someone to stand over your shoulder and tsk disapprovingly until you've buckled down and finished the writing? 'Cause I could totally be that guy. Where should I send the resume?

Thanks for clearin' up that pesky rumor!
Just have to say Homestarrunner? very cool site! I loved the shout out to it at the end of Buffy :) Consumate Vs people!!

And Serenity would so work as a bollywood movie. Especially if all the actors have moved over one character :)
On the contrary. You've solved act 3, take the night off! No, don't thank me.
Haha, I was just watching one of the Teen Girl Squad cartoons a few minutes before coming here.
There's going to be extreme Google and Homestar Runner product placement in Wonder Woman, isn't there?
Okay, I clicked, saw Homestar (but where was Strongbad???) and got damp...then read the note from Joss and am all weak and tumbly...

Want some new Joss stuff...that's on TV or in a movie...
Well, that certainly clears everything up. Thanks, joss!
New Joss TV.....I just saw The Girl In Question. Although many people think it's out of place or filler. I think of it as the come before the storm. Our last piece of Angel/Dru/Darla/Spike history, our last episode of pure laughs, and a nicely directed episode by David Greenwalt. Now on to Power Play and Not Fade Away.
Can someone give me the correct directions to the stick? I don't want to miss the meeting.
And Wash would come back to life, right? Ha! :P Thanks for the rumor crushing 'n all.
Mister Fendendo, thank you for clearing up the squalble! Don't feel pressured to continue working on the script, hey...just throw a premise at your WW and let her work from there!
Sounds good, but only if you don't mind never working again.

Can I just say, your a bistardo, cause ya totally fooled me for a nanosecond there!!!!

[ edited by nixygirl on 2006-02-15 05:59 ]
I know Joss is trying to be funny- but this SereniFly series would still be better then most of what I watch these days.
Boy, then, we better figure out what Nathan, Morena and all were doing when they were over at the CW talking things up, 'cause Kristin of E!Online sure was sure something was on the up and up. Could it be a new Buffy, featuring Nathan as wacky but evil preacher Caleb, Morena as potential slayerette Inara, starring in Buffy: The Next Generation?
Two days in a row! Definitely writer's block and procrastination going on there.

Did Joss link to a completely black screen?

[ edited by Nebula1400 on 2006-02-15 06:15 ]
Did Joss link to a completely black screen?

No. You must not have Flash installed.
Joss, my man, you need to get have a TV prescence once again. Aside from "Lost", nothing hits me like Buffy and Angel did.

Which has allowed me to heal up a bit, but I'm a telemasochist. I want my TV shows to kick my ass again.

OMG shout-out! JOSS LOVES ME!!

Or just cows and lamps in general, such that the sublime combination would of course be pleasing to his complex yet addled psyche.
No. You must not have Flash installed.

I have a sucky old computer that can't run anything above OS 9.2. Flash is installed, but I guess the f-ing capitalists are conspiring to get every last penny I don't have to see the %$#ing page.
Well, darn.

Also... TROGDOR!
What, people don't use tags anymore? I think someone should ban this joker until he learns his lesson.

I'm eagerly looking forward to the episode where Wash has that thing, but it turns out it's a puppy, and he's hiding it from Kaylee Mal. And it's Jayne's turn to cook dinner. Wackiness ensues.
Me, I'm awaiting the episode where Book's hair escapes from his head and takes up residence on River's upper lip.

"Simon, my moustache is touching my BRAIN!"
nebula1400, I'm still on dialup, quite by choice...I salute you in your dinosaurdom, and I say unto thee, *solidarity!*

I do the master's bidding!
Well, pretty much what we all figured, but nice (in a sad, couldn't-it-have-been-true way) to have it settled once and for all. Thanks for clearing it up Joss.
I wonder if Kristin will mention the rumor was wrong in her next column....
Joss, so you're saying there's a connection between the CW and Firefly?

What about Ben and Glory?
Very sad about the silent phone and crushed rumor. Rumorville is a happy if misleading place. A teasing flirt (like chese!)of a place but still...happy for a time.
Ah well. Thanks for the posts, Mr. Fendendo.
Mr. F, huh? Of AD infamy, perhaps?
Ahhh Ben and Glory just never get old do they!
Wait a sec NickSeng, you're telling me that there is some sort of connection between Ben and Glory? I wonder what it is.
And you know what? He could have just said "No!". But this is Joss we're talking about. And I'm glad he wasn't that brief. Cause the only thing that's more delightful than reading the written words of Joss is hearing the spoken words of Joss.
Thanks for the confirmation anyway. Not that I got my hopes up (way too jaded for that) but some appearently did and it's always best to sqwash them while they're fresh if there's nothing to it.
Jossy - you bad, bad man...

Porn guy, indeed... well-oiled campanion, in further deed...
Oh and lets not omit - Kaylee, but really Mal, in tightpants with gun at the ready...aiming at a puppy - Whoa!!

Phew, I DO hope the executives at CW give you a call. Are you asking us for help?;)!??

Well, thanks for the clarification - always good to have you drop in.
So here's the thing. I want to be a proper fan boy. I obsess endlessly over everything you've done, but I'm running out of material. Please post something else inane so I can obsess over it endlessly. Or make another TV show/movie, that works too.
Do you have to kill the puppy? I mean why is it always the puppy?
:D Thanks for clearing that up, Mister Fendendo. In the spirit of Valentine's Day (one more minute in this timezone!) I loooooooooooooove YOU(r work). ;)
Well, Joss, if you're really having problems with procrastination, watch this video. Sure fired cure: RIGHT HERE

And hey, a Sonics reference! Nice going.

I thought it was quite disgusting Kristin going around getting peoples hopes so high when she had nothing even close to proof. I'm glad her false hopes can finally be squelched...
2) Nathan is busy making movies, but since I don't want new cast members, everybody in the cast would just move over one. Jewel (she's back!) would play Mal, Ron would play Kaylee, Morena would play Book, and so on.

Brilliant! Why didn't I think of that? Oh, I know. Because I'm not Joss. Sounds like a good plan though. I can't wait to see Sean in Inara's dresses.
Yep, Joss is definitely procrastinating now. ;)
Is it just me who sees "CW" and thinks "Crack Whore"? What is wrong with me?
"Joss, do you need someone to stand over your shoulder and tsk disapprovingly until you've buckled down and finished the writing? 'Cause I could totally be that guy. Where should I send the resume?"
To hell with that! RambleOn623 has no competition there. But where do I send my resume for the "well-oiled companion"? As long as it's Mister Fendendo's. . . . Hope I didn't offend, your Josship. But it *is* still Valentine's day in this time zone for another 4+ hours. . . . And I'm still at work and wondering why. . . . (Sorry. I get paid by the elipsis. . . .)
And give it up for the Yorkie. . . .
Okay, now I'm miffed. I posted because we were literally getting calls from people's agents, so I had to officially speak up and I chose this forum and everybody accuses me of procrastinating when I wasn't even! (I was reading a book.) So quit picking on me, didn't you hear I had my license to write revoked by that angry comics guy? I'm very vulnerable right now.

Call Waiting
Cal Worthington
Candy Wrapper
Chuck Woolery...

Nope. Can't top Crack Whore.
It could all be done with muppets.
Joss, he was talking about Josh Whedon, no worries.
Don't be miffed. Be Joss. Very happy about the consecutive links, I am. And so are we all, methinks.
Chuck Woolery! That name never fails to make me laugh.
Carnivorously Waiting... come on Jossy! I need good news!
Joss, he was talking about Josh Whedon, no worries.

Wheldon, it's Josh Wheldon. Why are people always munging the guy's name?
Rumor bad! Joss smash!

Thanks, joss, for the terrific link which instantly went into my favorites. For several years now I've read of Strongbad in passing, but I never quite got the reference. I clicked (and as another member of the OS 9.2-on-dialup club, was amazed the videos all played for me), giggled and guffawed until I made snorty noises and it's all so very clear to me now that you're actually 12 years old. Which is perfectly lovely, and also explains why you'd rather hang around online with us than do your WW homework. (Allegedly, of course!)

(I'm also not working on a project that's due tomorrowish, so it's good to know I'm not the only one. Maybe a midnight snack? Mmm, corndog batter...)
Thanks. Now I've wasted the better part of an evening playing Peasant Quest. Curse you, Joss Whedon!
Thanks for clearing that up.

Crack Whore. That's funny.

Now, not to go all threadjacker on you, but do you mind throwing some more cryptic at us so we can try to decipher that password into the Shadows forum on the goners site? Cuz I really don't fancy having another dream of gossi whispering it in my ear. :)
Wait a sec NickSeng, you're telling me that there is some sort of connection between Ben and Glory? I wonder what it is.

Did someone say that Glory was the CW (crack whore)?

[ edited by NickSeng on 2006-02-15 08:05 ]
The rumor that launched the thousand agents.
How long do you rekon it'll be before we start seeing CrackWhore as a username?
Nice one Mort!

No-ones accusing you of procrastination Joss (if you only read every second post). Problem is we're all drying out, without our weekly fix.
No pressure! ; )

[ edited by nixygirl on 2006-02-15 08:20 ]
Wait, Glory's the crack whore? And Inara's a companion, which Mal likes to call a whore. And as we all know, crack is a drug, which makes you nothing. So crack is nothing. So take the crack out of crack whore, and it's just regular whore. Like Inara. So they must know each other, and since Glory's a god, Inara must be a God too! But a time travelling God so she could come back in time to know Glory. And since Inara knew Glory, it's possible she fought Buffy.

So what you're saying is that it's possible for a show to feature characters from both verses!
I have a friend from college we call Crack Whore. I wonder if she knows about her new network...
'Crack Whore' is indeed unbeatable. And no one is more entertaining when he's procrastinating than Joss. My main problem is that my brain keeps creating visuals from the line 'well-oiled companion'....
Woot! Another Joss post, and scarcely any time has gone by!

And more Homestar Runner. That's good stuff. :) I'm totally geeking out.
Nope. Can't top Crack Whore.

Mort shoots. He scores! ;-)

Yeah, come on, peeps, give Mr. F (lol) a break! Shooting down a 78 year old lawyer hunting quail from a car rumors is certainly worth taking 10 minutes away from your other work. Especially since we've been posting dozens of threads about them. Even agents were buying the rumors. Whoa. We needed the rumor control -- thanks!! :-)
Maybe I'll give them a premise to work off of, like "You're all in trouble" or "Wash has a thing".

Dude. That's not even funny. I would, like, seriously watch a Firefly series starring actual fireflies if Wash would be resurrected (though not all scary and traumatizing like with Buffy).

And...yay for the Homestar Runner love!

"Where have all the parsnips gone?"
Oh Joss! If you could possibly cast Dick Cheney as Mal...he could shoot people. He may draw the line at puppies though...
Joss, we all love it when ya post.
However, ya gotta know it's kinda nice telling the boss to get back to work tho!
Hey Joss, what's up? Can you play the guitar? ( ) Meedley meedley meedley....

I miss having a weekly Joss TV fix. A televised improv theater hour from the whedonverse actors would be an acceptable (temporary) substitute--at least until you have time for a scripted series.

*cue Crack Whore campaigning*
A televised improv theater hour from the whedonverse actors would be an acceptable (temporary) substitute...

Holy mycrap.

All we need now is a rumor that this is on its way. ;)
-grin- I love you too Joss.
If the boss was getting calls from people's agents cos of a FF rumor... wow, that's powerful. Will this also bump the FF set on the Amazon sales chart?
An improv version of Firefly.

That might just work....

What? Wr're trying to STOP rumors? Why does nobody tell me anything?
*cue Crack Whore campaigning*

All I need to know is when will Firefly be availble on iCrackWhore?

[ edited by NickSeng on 2006-02-15 08:59 ]
Dare I ask what 'lappy' means? Or will the answer scare me in hitherto unthought-of ways.
And the kamikaze rumor lint settles to the floor once again, but donít think itís satisfied, oh no, the lint shall return.
It always does.
Sometimes in your pants.
Though right now itís in Kristinís pants.
Please donít go looking in Kristinís Pants.
This topic is amusing and insane. Please continue everyone ;-)
Dare I ask what 'lappy' means?

You must click the link. And explore.

See you in a few months.
While I love Firefly and Serenity to death, I'm also a realist and knew that this story was too good to be true. The movie didn't do as well as hoped. The plucky crew got their second chance at life and didn't quite make it all the way. It was a valiant effort and I for one am happy the effort was made, but it's time to let this go . . . until such a time when Joss says, "NO! DON'T LET GO! I'M NOT FINISHED YET!" and then I'll be waiting with great anticipation. But I won't be holding my breath 'cause I likes to breathe. ;)
I'm in awe. That's all I can say.

*adopts serious fandom mode* Thanks for clearing that up. The rumour was starting to get out of hand.
Dude, I wouldn't say that's a site that says something. I'd say that's a site that never stops talking, HELP ME!

I hate to break it to you, but they are making Firefly season 2 without you. Every one signed on and Tim Minear will be the show runner.

You see Drive was just a cover story to confuse people. Ask Kristin, she has the full story.
Carnie Wilson network?
Yeah, that's funny...and shows this WBUPN merger needs a better network name...and lots of Joss and his minions, of course.
If only it was the Constantly Whedon Network.

[ edited by impalergeneral on 2006-02-15 10:07 ]
An improv version of Firefly.

That might just work....

Nathan has done improv...
Nathan, you out there? You got called back to work... Oh no horror, you're busy!!
A well-oiled companion? *blush* Happy Valentine's Day to you too, Joss!
Wow, I've woken up to Joss twice this week! No whoring here though. Ahem.
Simon - your serious fandom mode gave me this image of Joss-as-Anya and Kristen-as-Xander.
'Stopped that nonsense just in time'.
ETA: morning spelling = not good.

[ edited by lone fashionable wolf on 2006-02-15 11:10 ]
Thank you for coming here and dashing our hopes in a way to make us laugh out loud (at work!). Procrastination is an important part of any artistic process - actually, any process really (that I'm in, at least). Just love to hear from you :-)
So to read between the lines:

WE'VE STARTED FILMING NEW ... troll ... Porn ... w .. i .. t .. h ... a well oiled companion

Quick, someone call Kristen ! Rarely have I seen harder evidence of future plans.

Always great to hear from His Purple Procrastinatiness (even if it is a rumour crushing, puppy shooting extravaganza).
Hey Joss,

I guess I have to stop interpreting your babbling, then. Or I could go and interprete something with substance. Like the Utilization of False Gossip in Internet Business. Or I rewatch Season 4 of 24, imagining Kristin as Paul Reynes in the electro-torture scene. :)
But now I am procrastinating. So back to work.

And thanks, Joss, for making things crystal clear.
How we get viewed outside the goldfish bowl. coverage

Ain't It Cool News coverage

Expect to see Sci Fi Wire and maybe and TV Guide mentions as well.
Wow, two Joss posts in less than a week. Our visitor charts must be exploding.

Well, it's bummer that we won't get a new SerenFly on tv, but it would be really cool to have some Joss-ness back on tv. Well besides car-salesman cameos, really gracing us with some new ingenious creation.
Numfar that was car rental person. ; )
*pokey poke poke*

[ edited by nixygirl on 2006-02-15 13:10 ]
Two Joss posts in a week! Thanks for squashing the rumor. Keep working on the Spike Movie ;)
Yay for more Joss postage (thanks for the the rumour crushage) and yay for homestarrunner. Trogdor is awesome.
Who this Joss person is and why all the hubbub?

I also wonder what book he's reading while we ALL procrastinate!
Here's hoping it's War & Peace with the dog eared corners to boot.
As said, great to wake up to a Joss post two mornings in the week. It just makes me sorry I am going to be computerless for the next three days. What might I miss?!?

Thanks for setting us straight Joss.
Wait, wait, I think I got it. You know how politicians always tell you they are not doing something when they really are? So, isn't it obvious, they really ARE moving forward with SereniFly! Damn it, Joss, why aren't you a politician? If you were, at least the puppies would survive. They'd be needed for the photo ops.
Nothing like a good rumor crushing to start the day off right. :)

That link! OMG, I want to watch them all...right now, but I have to go to work. Thanks Joss.
Dudes, we need some serious fandom rumours again now!


I am Ace RimmerKevin Beaumont, and I heard DICK CHENEY has been cast as Violet, and CHRIS ROCK as Mia, in a heart warming fantasy tale about the human condition, the barriers we build to protect ourselves and to avoid connection. It also features a 54 minute musical number about the value of waffles.


What they didn't tell you is that it's actually Angel Season 6 - on the road.


I saw Nathan Fillion having a piss. The show shall return!

[ edited by gossi on 2006-02-15 15:07 ]
Dudes, we need some serious fandom rumours again now!

The only rumour we'll be spreading is that the walrus was Paul. Nothing else.
The only rumour we'll be spreading is that the walrus was Paul. Nothing else.

I could write a book about that. Oh, wait.
Do you have to kill the puppy? I mean why is it always the puppy?
escapist_dream | February 15, 06:59 CET

Because itīs an evil puppy. No wait, that was a dream.

Thank Joss,I mean jossy, for the info.
That's no rumour. That's the truth. "I have another clue for you all. The walrus was Paul"
And why is this significant for the Whedonworld? Anyone?
Somehow, I get the feeling of a deep third act depression. Joss, you helped me getting over mine, so I am quite sure, that you will make it. WW will become a great script :) Your tip, that helped me: Get rid of the very scene, you wrote the script for. Glad to give it back ;)
Ok, let me get this straight, the fans all knew that Kristin was full of it (see earlier thread), but agents were actually calling Joss to find out?
Ok, let me get this straight, the fans all knew that Kristin was full of it (see earlier thread), but agents were actually calling Joss to find out?

We're more sensible than agents. :-)
...since I don't want new cast members, everybody in the cast would just move over one. Jewel (she's back!) would play Mal, Ron would play Kaylee, Morena would play Book, and so on., are we to expect that River will now be played by our illustrious host, Mr. Adam Baldwin? If so, I'm gonna be in the front row!

As always, it's wonderful wonderful to hear from The JW, aka Mr. Fefendo. Hey Joss, keep looking SO GOOD!!! : )
Okay Paul_Rocks....thanks for making all my coworkers come in to stare at me! TROOOOOGDOOOOOOOOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hee hee hee! Love it. Oh, and may I add to the Spikemovie chorus of Spikemovie joy and glee about future Joss Spikemovie projects on the Crack Whore network? Spikemovie.
Your tip, that helped me: Get rid of the very scene, you wrote the script for

Unless it's the scene where she twirls round and changes into her spandex swimming costume cos we really need that one. Really.

We're more sensible than agents. :-)

True, billz, and yet they're the ones swanning off with 10 % of the fee. There just ain't no justice ;).
We are all just mud-makers in Josstown.
OMG two joss posts in less than a week, we are blessed....or he is slacking. Either was, great to hear from him again.
I'm presuming Joss has been busy with, shopping his life away.

I have learned the hard way: if you want to acheive in life, stay offline.
Maybe you could clone yourself and relegate cloned Joss to the small screen...perhaps on a little network I like to call Cloned Whedon?
my first thought re CW was as follows (though I love Crack Whore)
I think the Frog network has mated with the Used Parts Network and their offspring has mutated into the CoW network as in:
had a CoW
he/she/it is a stupid CoW
waiting for the CoWs to come home

P.S. Hi Joss!
"I posted because we were literally getting calls from people's agents"

Okay so the only way we can get Joss to post to Whedonesque semi-regularly is to sic people's agents on him? I never got around to getting myself an agent. Maybe now I have a reason to do so, if nothing more than to pester Whedon to post more to Whedonesque.

I thought agents existed just to convince you to buy new headshots.

"Nope. Can't top crack whore."

I see "CW" and I think "Water Closet" but then I might be getting dyslexically british in my old age.
their offspring has mutated into the CoW network

The Council of Watchers is online now? They are moving with the times.

[ edited by Mehitabel on 2006-02-15 17:58 ]
Joss? Thanks for stopping by. We like to hear from you - can you tell?
LOL! There's nothing like waking up to a Joss post and all the attendant fun, except well, maybe a well-oiled companion.

Thanks, Joss, for the jolly rumor-crushing. If any crushing is to be done, I'd want you to do it, puppies and all. Okay, maybe not the puppies. Okay, okay, take the puppies, but no kittens!

Gossi, LOVE your idea for Drive! We should take Tim's pilot script, change the names to Angel, Spike, etc., then pitch it to the Crack Whore network. I hear Chuck Woolery is in charge and he'd probably love it! Get Carnie Wilson to exec produce and we're in business!

And now I must get back to work before you all seduce me with your well-oiled companionship!
Council of Watchers
I missed that. Sigh.
I guess I was too focused on farm animals...
Wow. I never knew the word 'Klingon' could sound so orgasmic.
What's a Joss?
Thanks for the giggles, Joss. Can't wait for Wonder Woman!
This is awesome. Thanx for quashing the rumours. And in terms of CoW network and cow-lamp well you know its great and all...but we need more cowbell... thats what we need... or at least I need... to cure my fever. And if you have no idea what I am talking about... check out this video (Warning to Joss & others: more procrastination......) More Cowbell!!
ETA: changed link to a video of lower resolution but the sound is not out of sync...I can watch this over and over... and over..

[ edited by kurya on 2006-02-15 19:37 ]
Two Joss front page links and a Joss post. Had enough Jossness for the week? If not, then check out Joss on the Veronica Mars "Rat Saw God" which is repeating tonight...
kurya: that is SOOO funny - and its one of my favorite songs
One of my all-time favorite SNL skits, kurya :-)
A Will Farrell classic, along with him doing Robert Goulet...
Is it too early to start the "Crack Whores Love Veronica Mars" save-our-show campaign?

Oh, and thanks Joss -- don't know how you knew it was a bad week for me, health-wise, and you should get all post-y, but you did.
[FADE IN ON EXT: SERENITY IN SPACE superimposed on screen as Serenity turns and flies away from screen is title sequence: ZACH RAMBLE 416 -- JOSS IS A BOOGER]

ZACH: Quashing rumors? Joss is perpetuating rumors! Don't you guys see? It's all a plot! You think he did the Session 416 thing just to be artsy?

[CUT TO INT: MEDIEVAL CASTLE THRONE ROOM. Zach is standing several feet away from a banquet table covered in breads, meats, puddings and colorful pastries. Behind him there are extras dressed as servants, and one dressed as a network executive in a suit and dark glasses. He stands out and doesn't belong. He looks twitchy. Zach stands and delivers his lines to the camera]

ZACH: Session 416 was blatant guerilla marketing that just happened to also be artsy.. and damn good, but shush he might still be listening. We don't wanna give Joss a big head. Imagine how he'd start behaving if he found out we worship him like a god. Shush don't tell him.

[ZACH WALKS AWAY FROM TABLE AND CROSSES ROOM. Camera pans and follows him as we see the servants attack the lone network executive with pots and pans and food. Zach ignores the display.]

ZACH: Why Whedon didn't just turn the camera on to show Tudyk and Baldwin lipsynching to Aretha Franklin I dunno. It woulda been a lot cheaper. Is there a single person on this planet who can honestly say they saw the R. Tam Sessions and that was the reason they went to see the movie? I think not.

[CUT SCENE: one second of random stock footage shot of a fountain pen]

VOICE OVER: [raspy] Cut them down!

[INT: MEDIEVAL CASTLE THRONE ROOM. Zach is now a small figure in the very large room and camera is slowly zooming on him as it takes in the entire room. An entourage of people enter in surrounding a redheaded man wearing a crown on his head. They make a big deal of him and fawn over him and direct him to the throne in the middle of the room. They're too far away for us to see distinct faces, and camera focuses on Zach who is closer in foreground as it slowly zooms to a loose waist shot, all the time the ruckus of the entourage distantly affecting the background, and slowly increases as more extras enter the room.]

ZACH: I see threads like this and it's like watching Joss walk into an empty throne room with a golden (Burger King) crown tilted haphazardly on his head, sit at the place of honor, and then all the rest of us parade into the room dressed like jesters and wizards and royal guards and peasant townspeople and we're all vying for his attention and one another's attention and he just sits back with his arms crossed, maybe a good looking chick in his lap. Joss appearances in Whedonesque are like rennaissance faires, only they don't smell quite as bad.

[CUT SCENE: one second of random stock footage shot of a chicken]

VOICE OVER: [raspy] She's a real beauty ain't she?!

ZACH: It's pretty frickin' cool. It should happen more often. Joss should post every day from now on and just make something up. Or tell us the truth. Like how the heck can we tell the difference? He could report on toe jam to eye dirt ratio and we'd all come runnin'.

[Camera continues to slowly zoom in on Zach's face from a waist shot to a bust shot and then near extreme close up. By now, the room Zach is in is a bustle of activity and we can barely hear Zach over the noise. People are dancing, throwing food at each other, singing, drinking, pouring drinks on each other and being generally rowdy. A green severed Lorne head is being tossed about like a beach ball. Everyone's fawning over the guy in the distance sitting at the throne, but we still can't make out who it is. Zach is predominantly ignoring the activity around him but does have to raise his voice a little by now to be heard.]

ZACH: Oh and one more thing! Spike movie? We don't need no stinkin' Spike movie. We need an OZ movie! Now, an Oz movie with Spike in it by pure coincidence would be ideal, but I don't want a Spike movie that just happens to have Oz in it. That would suck.

[The hand of someone off camera aims a rubber chicken at Zach's head. Zach smiles.]

Excuse me. I have to go cater to the groundlings. For Whedonesque News, I'm ZachsMind reporting. Back to you Bob.


[ edited by ZachsMind on 2006-02-15 19:57 ]
First VM was pulled from the schedule for the next month, and now Joss has killed my pipe dream of Firefly returning. There is no reason to even get out of bed anymore, is there?

Seriously though, I hope that you could one day return to TV. And, thanks for coming and leveling with us. It sucks to have our hopes dashed, but it's better knowing. I think.
VM was pulled for the month so that they could get a stronger lead in than what they have scheduled right now. But truth is, things ain't looking good for VM, much as I hate to say it. It is so infinitely better than Lost, where the writers seem to be making it up as they go along. What Lost needs is more Fury, or maybe Joss stepping in- though that would mean the dog would go...
I sooo love this new game! The CW Network might stand indeed for:

The Cyke/Wolwerine Network: all day long debates between Scott and Logan

The "Cheney, What the...?" Network: 24/7 network about the most embarrassing moments of the possible future ex-vp

The "Couldweallagreetoletjossgobacktoworkonhisscriptfor Wonderwoman?" Network (the answer is no of course)

[ edited by Yorick on 2006-02-15 20:26 ]
Crummy Weather (we are having lately)
Crabby Whining
Chilled Wine
Creative Writing
"In a world where everyone lives their dreams, in a world where too much is never enough, in a world where people who speak in theatres go to that special hell with the lawyers, meet the people of Whedonesque Town -- Crack Whores(tm), well oiled companions(tm), the friendly neighbourhood handyman Ace Rimmer(tm), Klingons(tm) and mysterious Puppy Killers(tm)."

There's a Psychology Ph.D. thesis here somewhere.

PS I'm not even going to touch the Completely Whedon Channel(tm)

PPS I'm so with the well oiled companion.
Chattering Wombat
Creased Woolies
Covert Waxing
Crazy Wiggins (as in, "I've got a wiggins...")
Canit Work?
Creaky Writing

This is fun... :-)
Though I still like Crack Whore. (And "Cheney, What?!?")
What Lost needs is more Fury

Fury has left Lost, for info.
Cold Weather
Crazy Wiccans
Clem Wannabes
Crude Weebles (they wobble but the DON'T fall down)
Cute Welling (in honor of Tom)

[ edited by Miss Edith on 2006-02-15 21:20 ]
I haven't watched Lost in months. They should call it "a dozen or so characters in search of a plot." I kinda got bored with it when they started doing that countdown thing with the computer and they'll all blow up maybe if they don't enter a key code? What's next? The Flying Wallendas? I'm outtie.

Joss already told Wonder Woman's story. You may have heard of it. It's called "Buffy the Vampire Slayer."

[ edited by ZachsMind on 2006-02-15 21:26 ]
Coddled Whelks
Competitive Wussery
Crooning Wallabies
Criminal Widgeteers
Carnal Witchery
Crap Watchers (yep, I went there)
Joss, I am sure you must be exhausted with all that you have on your plate. We appreciate the "official word" and have confidence that our beloved "verses" of Buffy/Angel/Firely will continue if given the opportunity.

Just remember rest is overrated and for the dead. Unless your undead.....but then again even they kick up their feet once in while and partake in a BLOODY MARY (pun intended).
Collectively Whedonesque ;-)
ZachsMind - I'm loosing interest myself...

Other than 24 & House there's nothing else I want to watch. I am still pissed off re the stupid 2 part Grey's Anatomy. Stupid gratuitous shower scene with no naked McDreamy and stupid unnecessary blown up bomb disposal people. Any why the hell weren't they all wearing face shields!!! And can I smack Meredith up side the head? Grump.

Since I already read 3-4 books a week I need to do something else otherwise my eyes will be stuck focusing about a foot from my nose.

Oh, Duh! I have 13 Whedon seasons and a bonus movie I can re-watch!
Get a hold of the British series 'Life On Mars'. You won't be disappointed. It's my favourite show at the moment.

Joss already told Wonder Woman's story. You may have heard of it. It's called "Buffy the Vampire Slayer."

I must have missed the season where she lived on an island, isolated, in her teens.
Get a hold of the British series 'Life On Mars'. You won't be disappointed. It's my favourite show at the moment.

Oh, definitely. Absolutely fantastic show. I was terrified he was going to die this week and it'd be the last one.
Tonight, on the Cranky Wookiee Channel:

"These aren't the shows we're looking for. Move along."
CW ... = "Call Whedon" as an imparative for the executives, like "We need a new show? Call Whedon!" ( or Minear or Fury or ... Iīll stop now !)
Chiming in with the 'Life on Mars' love.
"I must have missed the season where she lived on an island, isolated, in her teens."

True, but Buffy and WW do have much in common...Both young women coming of age, coming into their power, etc. Also, I always took Buffy as being fairly isolated. She had like what; two friends and a librarian as her social circle?! LOL.
Caveat Whedonus (for he is mighty ;)

Chocaholic Wombles

Missed 'Life on Mars' cos i'd already started watching 'Balderdash and Piffle' on BBC2 which was also excellent but i'm getting it off Bittorrent (don't really see it as an issue, paid the licence fee after all).
I can see a US remake of Life On Mars happening soon. But instead of looking like The Sweeney it'll be Starsky And Hutch.

Interesting. That made me think of Joss's comments about doing a spec script on an old show. LoM is like a post-modern Sweeney spec.
Life on Mars is very good indeed. Now what would really rock would be a Joss cameo as a 70s rock star.

OK, a girl can dream.

And ZachsMind. Whatever you're on, can I have some, pleae?

[ edited by Gill on 2006-02-16 01:31 ]
Also, I always took Buffy as being fairly isolated. She had like what; two friends and a librarian as her social circle?! LOL.

Hey! Any librarian will more than make up for a room full of friends.
While we're on the subject of CW=Crack Whore can I just say that OMWF *always* looks to me like "Oh My What the F***?" I can't help it. I'm bad. Am I alone???????
Nope Ronald_SF!
Lioness! Right there with the librarian love :)
Joss --

Do you want a plushie Trogdor? I made one a long time ago and it was the first piece to debut in the Weekly Fanstuff section on HR. Alas, I didn't see it in their recent Trogday thingie, but verily it rocketh. It had pipecleaner legs. That's class.

Curvaceous Wenches
Chinese Wontons
Cretinous Washrags
Calamitous Waftage
Contemptible Wolfram
Charlie Weasley

[ edited by swanjun on 2006-02-16 03:45 ]
Clumsy Wanker
Clothes Washer
Coiled Whip
Clueless Watson
Chunky Waisted
Closeted Wallflower

Clearly Wasted
Cable Wasteland
CokedUp Wastrels

[ edited by redfern on 2006-02-16 03:34 ]
"I haven't even heard the orchestra tuning up.."

"Where's the orchestra? Wasn't this supposed to be a musical? Here I am in the balcony. How the hell could I have missed the overture? I like the scenery, even though I have absolutely no idea at all what is being said despite the dialogue. There's the leading man. The movie star who's never faced an audience. Where's the orchestra? After all, this is my big night on the town; my introduction to the theatre crowd. I assumed that the show would have a song. So I was wrong. At least I understand all the innuendo and the irony, and I appreciate the roles the actors played - the point the author made - and after the closing lines, and after the curtain calls, the curtain falls on empty chairs. Where's the orchestra?"

- Billy Joel

[ edited by space_giles on 2006-05-02 12:07 ]

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